Three months on T as of yesterday! (it's 1am.)

I finally just had it in me to update at least this page. Everything prior to this point will have to be pieced together from memory and conversations with friends.

This week was, in a nutshell, both a drag and wild. I did a lot of nothing, and the things I did do felt like they took years to complete, aside from my follow-up. Monday and Tuesday feel like nothing.

On Wednesday I had my first HRT follow-up appointment and experienced my first-ever from-the-arm blood draw. I'm not sick often and disinclined to visit the doctor unless I absolutely positively have to, so there's a lot I haven't experienced medically, and I'm glad of it. Frankly it wasn't bad, like getting my ears pierced, in fact maybe even less painful than that. Everyone is extremely kind where I go and I'm grateful they're providing trans healthcare. In other news my hemoglobin is low so I think my recent fog and tiredness might be mild anemia.

Thursday I spent some time working on a poster for a piece of fanfiction I've not even written yet. My brain was melting the whole day because I didn't get enough sleep so it's a miracle I've got as much done as I have. I listened to Oh Bondage! Up Yours! on repeat, which was shocking given what I'm about to bang on about.

Today is Friday/Saturday-AM, and my desire to update this site is because I'm sure I'm in the throes of the fast-paced Transgender Reinvention of the Self (that should be my debut album title). Throes I was really reluctant to embrace, because the idea of becoming "someone I'm not" was wrecking me with fear. I've been afraid of being judged for Not Being Myself these past three months, but I've ironically been avoiding being myself because of that. My tastes are evolving, and trying to shut that evolution down so I'll continue fitting into the mould I'd built for myself is stupid. I've tried my whole life to avoid being labelled and boxed in, but here I've gone and put myself in a box! I've gotten sick of myself and everything, and sick of the world, and I'd like to not be sick of something so it's time to give myself a real what-for and learn something new. (And I am, I'm getting into Formula 1 of all damn things, you couldn't have forced me to like sports a while ago, but here I am!)

Back to Oh Bondage! Up Yours! If you asked me four months ago what I thought about X-Ray Spex, I would've told you I love the history of punk in them but I don't dig the music because it's not my style. Well I've just listened to the whole Germfree Adolescents album and dug every damn song on there. I don't know what was holding me back before, if I was just too stressed out to appreciate their music or if I was experiencing clique mentality or what, but at least I'm really understanding how refusing to change and branch out and experience the world with fresh eyes and ears was stopping me from enjoying new things, and I can be free from that now. I don't want to go off solely blaming others for my own problems, but I don't think being caught up with the weight of the hang-ups and opinions of my parents has helped. Some things just get grandfathered in, thoughts and opinions that you hear all the time while growing up, and they weigh on you and you don't notice it until it's finally disruptive to your own life, or you experience a big life change that knocks you in the head and starts revealing tired old patterns you don't need anymore. I've always felt a little behind the curve with these sort of wake-ups that a lot of people seem to experience five years younger than I do. I'll get more into that while filling in the past eleven weeks and beyond that, but basically I've been growing without feeling like I was growing up since the first puberty, and now starting second puberty I actually feel like I'm growing up.

Anyway, now all I have to do is keep branching out. I don't want to make a whole new rut for myself when there's a wide world to explore off the beaten path.